Breastfeeding: My Personal Journey

I knew even before I got pregnant with Boo Boo that I was going to breastfeed. I also thought that I would breastfeed the whole year and even possibly beyond that. I knew it would be difficult, but I guess I really didn't know exactly how difficult it was going to be for me. Quitting before 6 months was a no-no for me, but than when the whole house gets sick and you have a 103.7 degree fever, you do things you wouldn't normally do...

Let's start at my birth of Boo Boo. I was induced at 37 weeks due to high blood pressure. After a ultrasound showing Boo Boo was breech (more diagonal), it was off to a cesarean I was. Boy was I terrified! But it actually went pretty smooth thankfully. Well, after Boo Boo was born, his oxygen levels weren't high enough so they wheeled his to the NICU while they finished me up. Thankfully by the time he got to the NICU his levels were perfect. So he didn't get to go to recovery with me, I was by myself as hubby was with Boo Boo. I missed his first bath and everything. I had Boo Boo at 4:42 and I didn't get to the room with him until after 7pm.  Of course I was drugged up a little from the surgery and Boo Boo was already past his birth wakefulness. At least hubby still let me be the first to hold him! Anyways, with the grandparents trying to hover in, and me not even being able to move, I was overwhelmed with trying to breastfeed. It really wasn't going good. By the end of the next day it STILL wasn't going good. I couldn't get a good position or latch at all.  The hospital sent over a lactation consultant, but she was very pushy and rude. I was still in pain and wasn't comfortable at all doing the football position. The LC was trying to get me to pump and basically yelled at me for not breastfeeding enough ( I was trying every few hours! geez) and put a nipple shield on me and walked out. Well, the nipple shield worked!! A picture of a nipple shield is down below. Basically it is a clear rubbery shield that goes over your nipple. It has 4 holes for the milk to come out. Boo Boo always did really good with it. Thank goodness for that! (If you have latch issues, I suggest trying one out!) I also just sucked it up and held Boo Boo in cradle position because that worked best for us.  So off to the races we were! 

( I also want to add for pacifier users: Boo Boo uses the soothie one, has since birth and never had nipple confusion. I only gave it to him AFTER a feeding and mainly at night time. He figured out the difference very fast! If he was still hungry he spit it out and cried, so I knew he was still hungry and it was no big deal.)

We went home after 3 days in the hospital and my milk came in the night we got home! (Probably because I finally relaxed once we got there!) Boo Boo was very happy for that let me tell you! He still needed the nipple shield, but I was okay with that because he was nursing still. We got through the first rough weeks and overall I was pleased with how things were going. (Although I felt like a cow, he nursed about every hour during the day!)

Now it was 8 weeks later and it was time for mama JoJo to go back to her part time retail job! Part of me missed work, but mostly I hated that I had to leave Boo Boo, even for just a four hour shift! Luckily MIL is a willing babysitter for Boo Boo, so no day care for us.
When Boo Boo was about 6 weeks old, I started pumping (with my crap single sided pump, but it was a hand me down, so I can't complain). It was a Medela Swing one. (picture is below) Never was a good pumper, but I could make enough for at least one of the two bottles (and sometimes for both of them :) ) while I was at work. I usually got 2 oz for a 20 minute pump on one side. Although I could always get a little more out of my left boob, that one was bigger and had more milk in it. After looking on babycenter.com birth boards (August 2010 and September 2010) and kellymom.com (GREAT website for breastfeeding!), I realized most pumpers don't get a lot of milk and I was actually getting a good amount for what I had to pump with. Luckily Boo Boo got more when he nursed! I miss those milk drunk faces!!!
Now comes the dagger....the damn bottle. I feed him one about a week before I went back to see how he would do and if I needed to work with him at all on it. Well, let me tell you. It was love at first sight for Boo Boo with that bottle. I didn't think too much of it at the time, but it only got worse with time.

The bottles I used was the breast-flow ones by first year. A picture is below. They are kind of a pain to deal with, the nipple has 2 parts that connect, but it seemed to work good for Boo Boo. He only got bottles in the morning while I was at work and nursed the rest of the day. By the time Boo Boo was 3 months old, he started fighting me that first nursing session getting home from work. It was heartbreaking to me. Here I always pictured him choosing my milk and that bonding time we had over anything else. But I guess those dreams were never really a reality for me, and I had to move on from that.

Anyways, the fighting of the nursing sessions just got bigger and bigger. Sometimes I just had to cave in and give him a bottle. He really has the Irish temper in him from both sides. Everyone told me to not give in and that he would eat, but he wouldn't! I couldn't bear it anymore and just starting caving in. I hated him crying like that! By the end of 3 months he had his morning bottles and one at night. He ended up fine with that and nursed during the day and when he woke up at night.

We were doing okay with this until the week before Christmas. I got Mastitis for the second time along with the 24 hour bug. I couldn't even move, let alone take care of Boo Boo and nurse him. Luckily it was hubbys day off and he could take care of me and Boo Boo. Well, when afternoon time came and Boo Boo was getting bottles, he knew he could get a bottle whenever he wanted! Yes, at 4 months I think Boo Boo was that smart!!  On top of that he got a cold (thanks to me), and really didn't wanna nurse with his stuffy nose. It was so hard fighting it, and it was exhausting.  Neither of us were happy, so I made that terrifying decision to stop. It really broke my heart, but in the end my child was happy and was getting feed and that is really what matters.

Now you say, why couldn't I just pump so he still got breast milk? Yes, I made mistakes indeed when it came to pumping! Here they are:

• Borrowing a pump from a family member without knowing anything about it beforehand. (she finally gave it to us at the hospital!)
• Not stepping up and getting a good pump (or renting one) that was a double one. ( I had a single one, so it took about 40 minutes total for about 4 oz...)
• Not getting good pumping sessions. I could never find the time between feedings (like I said, he nursed EVERY hour during the day). Also work didn't allow me to pump there. ( I don't even take a break while I work...my choice not to).
• Not starting right away and building up a supply. Dealing with a newborn was tough work! Trying to find time to pump...yeah right! So I kept procrastinating, which also affected my supply I might add!
• Formula just made it too easy. Knowing he could just have formula at grandmas did not motivate me to keep pumping...now I really wish it did!

So the formula Boo Boo went on full time was Enfamil. He gets really gassy, but other than that he is fine with it. I hope my next child chooses nursing over the bottle and will nurse a year and beyond. If not, I know that my children are happy and growing, and in the end that is all a mother could ask for. Sometimes I feel so down and guilty, but it is getting better with time. My breasts are dry now and I just got my first postpartum period.
So Boo Boo won in the end...with that damn bottle.... and I am okay with that. :)