With the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade that just approached, it really got me thinking even more so than after Boo Boo was born on whether I did the right thing by circumcising him. I am very pro-choice and about keeping woman's reproductive rights, but it never fully measured that I was being a hypocrite to my own son by voiding him of his! What was wrong with me for doing such a thing? Will I ever be forgiven by my son? Can we finally break all these cycles and let humans of
both genders have reproductive rights?
While I was pregnant with Boo Boo, I had so many decisions to make that at the end of the day I always ended up with huge thinking headaches! Sometimes I couldn't sleep because I couldn't shut off my brain along with being uncomfortable.
Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, diapers, clothes, cribs, toys, and so on. You name it, I had to think about it for 9 months on whether I was for or against it. To be honest I didn't always let hubby have a say either. So after we found out it was a boy and the doctor asked us about circumcision, I looked right at him for once and let him answer. I simply thought " I don't have a penis, I won't decide." But I should have taken it a step further and not let hubby decide either, that it is my son's choice, and his alone.
Like I said, so much else was running through my brain. Hubby wanted it done, everyone I know had it done and never heard a complaint, so it really didn't seem like a big deal to me anyways. I kind of pushed it back into my head to re-open after he was born.
I had a friend try to convince me not to circumcise. I don't know why, but I thought all that was silly. When I should have taken the time to really research it, I just did a quick biased one, thought it would be fine, and went on searching for the best cloth diapers to use. I was so clueless. Also, hubby wanted none of it. I guess, it was his way of saying that there was nothing wrong with his manhood. Yep, men and their manhood...Hubby is true to that one!
Again, I was pregnant, uncomfortable, and thought it was just what most boys did. I figured I would give the final answer after he was born and left part of me open for not having it done.
So Boo Boo was born via cesarean and that first 24 hours was a blur! A good 12 of it I was drugged and another 12 recovering from being drugged. I am one who hates being drugged and only would take Ibuprofen after that first round of drugs they gave me, because boy was I out of it! I took that pain over being drugged, but glad to not have that initial pain right afterwards.
Anyways, I was recovering from the drugs when they came to take him for the circumcision. I didn't even get to think! So a yes was said and off he went...
While he was recovering from his circumcision I knew I made a mistake, but I told no one. Not even hubby. It was like one of those things that no one talked about and kept hushed. I wondered how many other mothers felt this way and didn't speak up as well. It was as if it was a situation that if I didn't talk about it, it didn't exist. I didn't want hubby and everyone to think I was overreacting or to tell me to give it up. I knew that what was done was done. So I just kept it to myself and acted like it was all okay.
Thankfully it went off without a hitch and his doctor said he had a great one. Never any issues. So I am blessed for that after hearing what can go wrong with many boys.
Changing his diapers, oh my stars! How could I have done this to him? The bleeding, and you could tell he was in pain! I felt like a horrible mom! Here I was a new mom and I already felt like the world's worst mother for putting him in pain. I could barely breastfeed him (luckily a nipple shield fixed that) and now I put him in pain for no good reason at all. Hormones running through me, man it was crazy. Not talking about it didn't help as well. I just did my best to think about his being healthy and focused on that. I figured I would talk about it when I was ready.
Now I am ready.
Sometimes when I change him or bathe him, seeing it still makes me feel a little guilty. But it gets better. I hope to be brave enough to talk about it soon outside of my blog. But it's hard. It is hard to admit you made a mistake that you really can not fix. It is hard to know that others around you won't feel the same way you do. It is hard when you know you need to stick up for your child, but you don't know where to start. It is hard being a first time mom and knowing that you will continue making these mistakes. How do you know the best choices for your kids? How do you find the right answers, will you ever? Do you just hope that you aren't setting them up for failure? Is that hope enough? Is is even worth feeling guilty over something like this? These are some questions I ponder many a times. Making it even harder to come forward on this subject. At least, this is the case for me.
I can't change what was done. I can't just focus on the past. All I can do is move on and educate. Thinking my friend was crazy, she
wasn't! Now I can join her in on the "craziness" so to say. Sometimes it takes learning those lessons the hard way. No one is perfect, I know I am far from it. I am just lucky to have a happy and healthy growing boy and keep learning along with him. That is all any parent can do. I just hope that more people can learn about this
BEFORE it's done. So that one day it will no longer be.
I now know any future son(s) of mine will remain intact, I know this without telling hubby. I probably won't really talk too much to him about it unless we have another son. Sometimes I bring up things about future kids and he always says "let's focus on the one we got", so I do my best to follow that, as there is no need to argue about what ifs, etc.
I will join the fight in getting rid of circumcision for newborns all together. Just like I will always fight for women and the right to their own reproduction. I won't shy away. I won't be embarrassed to say "yes I made that mistake, I won't ever again and I hope you don't either". All we can do is take what we learned and make it better going forward. Some learn the hard way, others don't. Some won't open their eyes until its too late, others just won't understand. All we can do is educate and hope for the best.
My friend had hoped the best for me, and I failed. But that doesn't mean it's a lost cause and to not keep trying. The rates of circumcision get lower and lower, so it is working! Don't give up now, never give up for choices for everyone, both boys and girls.
I don't see anything wrong with a boy wanting to be circumcised, and they should have that choice themselves after looking at all the pros and cons to do so. But for a newborn boy, I don't think it should be so, and I hope in the future that it isn't even an option at birth. That we let them decide for themselves when they are old enough to do so. Also, for me, it just seems so wrong to put a newborn baby through that after they just went through the long and tiring birth process.
I will sit down with my son when he is old enough to understand. I don't want him to think there is anything wrong with his manhood, but I want him to understand that I made the mistake to not let him fully decide for himself, and to hopefully open his eyes to it all. To hope that any grandson(s) of mine will be given that choice if it is still being done to newborns when my son is ready to have kids.
To end the cycle.
That is all I can hope for in my family...
This was very hard to me to come out and say. Especially this being a heated topic. (Yes, a boys penis is a heated topic, who would figure)? I would never attack someone who decides to do this to their son, heck I did!
But, whether you feel the same way or not, in the end I hope my story at least helps others to
FULLY research before hand, and to do so open mindfully. Don't just push it to the side like I did. And if you do decide to circumcise, of if you decide not to, you know that you did the best you could to find out about it and feel confident in your decision.
Need some websites to get started? Here is a few I found (though I found them too late...)
**This one is my favorite and easiest to read**
Other good ones with lots of information:
It took me days to write this out and many emotions came through. As I sit here with my 5 1/2 month old son, I am so thankful to have him in my arms. I still kick myself over and over on this subject. As me being not very old school, I still wonder how I fell through the cracks on this one. And I am somewhat angry at the other mothers of boys surrounding me not speaking up after putting their baby boy through that pain and why they still agree to it after witnessing such a thing. And I am somewhat angry at my husband for wanting his son to go through the same pain he did even though he doesn't remember it. Just angry right now as I type this after all these sad, guilty, and frustrating emotions have been going through me for 5 months.
Being a mother is like no other. I had no idea how it would change me, and now I am starting to see those changes.
Please forgive me son, although I may never forgive myself, I hope that you will forgive me...
End the cycle
